So you’ve decided to break-up with your girlfriend and, unless you’re a totally heartless cad, you might feel a bit bad about it. A lot of people fret about the right words, and what polite excuse they will come up with, but so many people neglect to pick the right venue for this delicate operation. Nobody likes getting dumped, and there probably isn’t a great place to do it, but there are certainly plenty of bad places.

The British Library

A library might seem like a clever choice for a relationship dissolution, but it’s likely to backfire on you. “My girlfriend wouldn’t cause a scene in such a prestigious and revered venue  as the British Library” you say. Wrong! As your sobbing ex-paramour mops up her tears with first editions, you’ll be sternly lectured by the notoriously scrupulous librarians while harassed PHD  students glare at you.

The South Bank

If you think that a nice gentle stroll along the South Bank and a view of London’s famous river would ease the pain of a broken heart, then think again. There are 24 bridges between Chiswick and Bermondsey. Don’t tempt fate.

London Zoo

Ah, London Zoo, surely the perfect place to break someone’s heart? Yes, they’ll be a bit upset but then you can just point nearby and say; “Ooo Look! A monkey!” Unfortunately if you’re there on the weekend the place is teaming with children. And let’s face it, if you’ve got time to go to London Zoo on a weekday you’ve got bigger problems than an over emotional soon-to-be ex girlfriend. Breaking-up with a girl when she’s surrounded by children is tantamount to kicking her in the ovaries. It’s just cruel.

A Cemetery

Westminster Abbey and Highgate Cemetery are  both big tourist attractions. I find cemeteries quite relaxing; they’re a pretty reminder of the cycle of life and you can see where your favourite writers are buried. Some people think they’re a bit creepy though, and on this occasion a cemetery will only remind her that she is going to die, probably alone.

The Royal Artillery Museum

Are you mad?! They’ve got guns there! Avoid.

If you’re lucky enough not to get dumped before Valentines Day this year then start making some plans with Spoonfed’s guide to Valentines Day in London.